Sunday, 6 January 2013

TWENTY SIX


Prologue
This is our love story because we need to have it written to remind us where we are coming from. One day I hope to read it to you, all of it so that you can really understand what I mean when I say ‘I love you …’

TWENTY SIX
Tired of feeling like the greatest guy in the world only in my head or to one certain lovely girl; time for the world to meet the lovey world of Captain Awesome A.K.A yours truly.
My name is Conrad but to the world of those who love me and have gotten to experience me deeply; I go by the name of Captain Awesome and soon you may get to find out why.
Yesterday was my twenty-sixth birthday and for the first time in six years I broke tradition and did not write my anniversary article on the dawn of the day because I was busy experiencing it from the first instant it started to the last. It started with a video skype conversation with my beautiful girlfriend Peaches real name Jasmina and it ended with a bunch of great friends, good food, awesome drinks and amazing music partying with me to welcome another year of awesomeness. So I excuse myself for not keeping up with my little tradition but instead decided to get to it on this quiet day. I start out very hung-over and half awake but I was this really amazing story that is struggling to be told and as always I could never say no when inspiration beckons. Usually on the dawn of my birthday I write about my past or my present, family or myself and usually my pieces are deeply personal they never make it any public blogs because they are more of a self reflection piece but this year am doing things differently; am going bold and sharing the most personal story I ever told because I feel it is too beautiful to be kept to myself. This time instead of writing about myself, this time I dedicate this to my present which is pretty much my love story …

My present can be summed into two words: Jasmina Mladenovic
She is my number 1 person in the WWW (whole wide world) and I love her like love. If love had a human incarnation (except of course Jesus) or a taste I can pin point, it would be her. She is the embodiment of everything I have thought of regarding love and everything I have ever dreamt of having, literally. So I dedicate my twenty-sixth year to her.
Being twenty-five was mainly about looking forward to Jasmina; I want to have twenty-six as my being with her. I have already experienced a snippet of what it is like to be with JMlad and it has by far been the greatest feeling in the world. I just got back from my first euro vacation with her which ended about 10 days ago in Istanbul and it was everything I imagined it would be and more; so right now I am blissfully in the right place and frame of mind to write this story which has been long in-coming.

On July the eleventh two thousand and nine (11th.7.2009) I was concluding my time in Belgrade where I had gone for the World University Games known as the 25th Universiade. I was twenty-two and I thought I was in love with a good girl back at home #PleaseDontJudgeMe… hence forth this article is filled with snippets of bits quoted from over the the years as written down by me and never posted because they were incomplete until she turned a reality in my life. I guess I have been waiting for the perfect moment to write this because I thought that the day she eventually becomes a part of my daily life in person would be the day I officially declare what she means to me to the whole world in an epic story but that seems like already a story in itself for as much as I couldn't fathom it, she already is a part of my world distant or close and this timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Jasmina came at a time when I yearned for somebody to get me in ways that even I didn't realize were possible. We've all had special people of our childhoods, our pasts and so forth, well she is the special person of my future and this right here is my future and gosh did I hit the Jackpot. I met my dream 3 and a half years ago (which makes her the one person I have been in love with the longest ever) in a party place called Magacin, Belgrade. I saw her across a crowded room more than full of people in a dingy, smoky hazy place but even then she stood out. I walked about 20 metres which in reality felt like 100 meters because of all the people I had to squeeze through to get to her.  I don’t know if you have ever dreamt of a person you haven’t even met yet; in retrospect I feel like I did which is all in this account I have based on a dream I had one night in my campus days called “Love Angel” only that I didn't know back then that my dream would literary turn into a reality. Miss Love Angel does really exist and she’s now Miss Captain Awesome.
Love Angel
On the 16th of July 2009 I wrote …
“Life’s moments are more beautiful now that they are gone but am glad coz feeling is better than being. Being here is alone in this room reminiscing about Belgrade and missing what I can never experience again. It’s kinda sad but for now I am happy to live in my memories. Being is feeling … God am so thankful” -Journal of the Great
Feeling is the love I feel for you right now on this 1st day of my 26th year of 2012 going into 2013. You are my Belgrade and I should have been more optimistic peaches.

Our story starts from July 2009. That awesome beautiful morning of the 11th July 2009 and in order to understand my impression of what it felt like I have to take you back to the very beginning before I ever knew I would meet you and what it was like after I met you so here is the beginning story ...
URBAN DREAM) …
Read STILL CG

Read BEOGRAD

I knew that one day I had to confront my past; use it to explain my present. I didn’t know this was the day and I have to use it to make sense of myself but I guess the starting point of my adulthood has to be an explanation of my childhood; only then will I ever get closure from my childhood so I can fully immerse myself in my future and writing this I already can feel that sense of closure. I am also traveling back in time as I re-read the articles I need to write this which makes this whole writing experience even more special because what I have to write I have already written and I just hope that you that I am writing to can relate to it as deeply as I am …
So with this coffee break we dive back into my life/love history. Experiencing the best moment of your life does not translate into a perfect hustle free life; having the best only makes you realize that there’s so much more to fight for, gives you a higher purpose and a deeper reason to fight even harder … on Thursday 27th August 2009 I was going through this TURMOIL and that was the first time I admitted what I really felt for you.
Here is a quote of what it felt like to have met you; to say hello …
“The sound in hello carries along with the wind to you. There’s hollowness in it; it echoes forlornly, it depicts the beginning of a deep longing. The repeat of Hello brings desperation and despair in what was there a second ago or what was expected but is now gone for sure or hopefully for a second. It is sometimes met with a silence so heavy all hope is crushed …”
But that’s if there’s no reply. If fortunately there’s a reply, here is what it is like …
“… but just as the hope sinks into a deep abyss there comes the sound of “Hi” like a sweet breeze it fires the dying light flickering pathetically back to a full blaze of shimmering brightness; it rises higher and the heart soars with it and all hope is revived”
That is what you did for me when you came into my life peaches …
“so like Hello and Hi our lives thrive on responses, respond to yours and be healed, ignore it and it will die out to nothing”
- quoted from Journal of the Great 

The excerpt above is a dedication to the one thing that has kept our relationship alive- communication. I love those hours long chat sessions we have regardless of whether we've had a long annoying day or a short boring one with nothing worth mentioning, whether we are happy or sad, whether we are broke or just paid, drunk or sober (heheheheehe I know you love those, crazy chic) tired or fresh, night or day. We never fail in talking, fighting, arguing, saying sweet nothings, dreaming and building castles in the air we never fail almost every single day as far back as memory can serve, it has been the one constant in our lives and gosh have I lived for those chat sessions, I look forward to them, now I am happily addicted to hearing from you.
Whether audio, texted, or video we always keep in touch and I think I speak for both of us when I say I am glad for technology and how it has enabled us to be in close contact with each other under almost every circumstance. I asked you one day if I have changed you in anyway and you said that I changed you; turned you into a cyber girl because you used to hate hanging on computers but you started to because of the need to communicate with me whenever possible but what you don’t realize is that you changed me too. It was you that introduced me to Skype and the day I discovered online chatting it has been the best drug I ever picked up. As any guy anywhere would tell you, we wanna have the best of everything so through all the Skype upgrades and all the other online chat applications I perfected and acquired everything I needed to keep a constant tab on you communication wise. My internet lifestyle has largely evolved to suit this purpose and I thank you for that because in part you started the whole process for me.

Even after almost four years, talking to you is the highlight of my days especially the late really deep intimate stuff. I love the beyond physical way we express the love I feel for you and I think the transcript of my telepathic conversations with you in person are beyond any love story I have seen, heard, written or ever imagined. You comfort my loneliness; without you I would truly be lost and trust me when I say I have a pretty good idea what living without you can be. I remember our first break up which in reality wasn’t even a break up because we weren’t even dating yet which is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone, losing something you never really had in the first place. I was in an internet café and after that conversation I actually felt like my world was literary ending. I felt like nothing, like I had nothing left in my world, like everything I have ever worked for just turned to ashes, blown away with the wind. I was empty handed and worthless. I had no reason to continue living … that was the time I realized you were my soul mate. 
Thank God there’s nothing like the human will to survive. I allowed myself to wallow in my sorrow for a while and that same day I decided I’s had enough of taking no for an answer from people in this case another girl ever again ( ohh the story of our lives, poor dudes) it had to be you.
I spent the next year proving that I wasn’t wrong or alone in this and I am glad I never gave up even when you pushed me away for our sanity’s sake; holding out for you is the hardest most beautiful thing I have ever accomplished.
Through the suffering and tough times, the distance and the waiting for us to be together again, you’ve been with me in my heart; I have been alone in this and that’s what makes us tough to break. I remember the first time I was truly free to express how I feel about you coz for months I was wrecked with guilt that I had feelings for you and I couldn’t turn them off when it seemed like a bad idea to fall in love with a girl halfway across the globe and also because of my situation back at home. I lost communication with you for a month; the most torturing month of my year and when I finally made up my mind what I wanted; here is the message I sent you …
hey peaches; am beyond excited at the prospect of chatting with you 2mo n can’t wait. I wish it was possible to chat with u on my mobile which I have been using quite a lot lately to access the net and I will be sending you emails every chance I get. Today I spent time on the net reading your old emails and though u claim to not know how to write, all those emails you sent me are so beautiful they go straight to my ragged heart n u really know what to say to make a guy feel awesome and special and … emotional ”
In those emails I was so moved by the depth of feeling you had for me that sometimes it was hard to breathe literally. I can only say that you make me happy beyond my dreams, I will never be able to wrap my thoughts around the fact that you are truly in love with me of all people and I can only hope that I will be able to make you feel the way you make me feel.

The hardest thing as I said was having to say bye to you. With One Last Look I portray my artistic impression of what it was like to meet you and separate from you never to feel your touch until three long years later … (playing It Ends Tonite-All American Rejects as you read this)
Playing Wherever You Will Go – The Calling as you continue to read this
I am gazing at a picture of you; one you gave me a little after we met. It’s a close up of you. One I had hanging on my wall but which I have since replaced for a fresher one. You were showing off your dreaded hair (I love your natural curls best BTW) I love the faint mischievous smile on your face and the look in your eyes which seems to say “for my chocolate” I actually imagine you saying that when I look at you. Even the years before I was sure we could ever work out, I had a picture of you on my wall to ward off potential females that my heart has already been taken by one so fair. Even back then before my head admitted it, my heart knew that I loved you Peaches.
2009 finally rolled away and I said goodbye to the year I met you with an aching bleeding broken heart. On the first day of the new year twenty-ten I dedicated my 2nd edition of my journal to you and promptly named it after you because it felt like the next chapters of my life were what would fill those pages. Here’s the first letter I wrote you …
Read  NEW YEAR

And now you have been in that horrible little boy’s room; I am amazed you didn’t mind staying in it; I can only say you are tougher than we are led to believe. And that’s what’s been special about this year spent with you in person finally. You are way more than what meets the eye
Babe you changed the course of my life. I was never the same after Belgrade. I came back a different person, my entire experience in Belgrade opened my eyes to what I really wanted in life; to broaden my spectrum, to come out of my comfort zone, to dare to dream beyond my horizons, to believe in things impossible, to risk everything for something I believed in, to never accept without question anymore but most of all to do what needs to be done, to overcome my fear of displeasing others just so I could achieve what’s best for everybody in the long run, to follow my heart …
Before Belgrade, I was stuck in my past; I pretty much felt like the best years of my life were already behind me, my happy years were over and the fun part was no more. I could not picture how things could ever get any brighter than they already have been. I felt like I was merely existing on 70% like the passion for life had been dimmed forever; I had no ambition because I had no motivation to move forward; I was sort of stuck in the present; fearful of taking drastic steps; afraid to leap towards my destiny and then I met you …
I remember how dazed I was on the flight back to Uganda; I stared out my window just letting all the thoughts of the life behind me fly by like the clouds and all of it was like a dream I was just waking up from; after all those years of slumber, I had woken u and I didn't really know who I was anymore and what I had to do and when I got back I was in that numb mode for a while until I started having those conversations with you online; only then did I start feeling alive again. The more we talked, the more I realized that that’s where I wanted to be, what I needed; where my life should be heading; you gave me direction.
In an extract of my imagination written after a workout in the pool I had shortly after I came back, this is what it was like; this is what I would write about that moment of clarity
“your thoughts flood into your mind as you stare at the blue line at the bottom of the pool; the clarity of the water is the clarity in your head, unfortunately even the emotions you have been tryna hide show up. Afterwards you hide in the toilets coz you wanna be alone. The walls closed around you, you feel safer and you wish you could hide out there forever. Back in the real world, you've closed your mind off to all the noise and chaos, in your eyes breathes the calming sounds of your playlist; the lyrics blind you from all the pain around you, all the suffering as you stroll past, you just pass through it, all your senses are tuned into the beautiful sounds of your music. You never see it coming until you feel the tap on your shoulder. You turn around and you see her.
Everything stops. Everything starts …
You loved being stuck up in a world of your own until now. There she was just standing there.
“oops! Sorry!” she said and walked away.
You just stood there, speechless still trying to process what just happened.
“wait!” you yelled just before she  disappeared. She turned around with questioning eyes but more so, there was a smile and that smile is what made your mind up.
“Hi, am lost”
“what??”
“I mean my name is lost” you blurted out unsure of what you’re saying.
“hi lost”
You smiled and suddenly you didn't know what to say, you never had to say anything to anyone. You long gave up on that … until now.

Without intention I started going to work earlier during my part time days just so I could talk to you before my duties and also staying at work later because I needed your company before I could get home. I am amazed at the level of innovation and the lengths I went to stay in touch with you. I smile at the memory of the codes we developed to signal each other, at the number of times I had to beep your phone to signal that I had found an internet connection somewhere, that I was online and waiting to talk to you. I am amazed that I could afford to stay in touch with you regularly even when I personally didn't own a computer, chat friendly mobile phone, modem or sometimes the money to spend in an internet café. Somehow I always managed to access a means to communicate with you. I would tread to MUK so that I could use my former faculty IT lab or get to work office earlier so that I could have at least one hour of chat time with you; luckily I found you awake most times. Luckily at that point, the boys I shared the flat with back in the city miraculously seemed to have access to way more internet than they needed. I would borrow Prince’s laptop and Skype chat with you until he needed it back, then I would borrow Moze’s N series Nokia to mobile Skype chat with you and that turned out to be work for us the best for a while. I would wait patiently for him to get back from work and soon as he stepped through the doors, I would pounce on his phone. We would text for hours on end; I would smile till my jaws hurt-I still do, we talked about everything and anything and I always could hardly wait to download on you the highlights and low-lights of my days and those seemed to come in plenty more so after I met you. I loved the curious ways you responded and the little grammatical errors and miss-spelling in your text speeches sometimes too cute to correct.
For the first several months in touch with you after Belgrade I had no idea what you sounded like because I couldn't afford to call you. I can never forget the joy I felt to hear your voice for the first time. It was one day at the work office when I decided to try out the audio Skype and gosh I could not contain the excitement at hearing your voice. It was deep and sweet and heavily Euro-eastern accented. It was exotic to me and I loved every second of that short conversation, I don’t remember saying much after the initial hello-hi. We just laughed gleefully at finally being able to talk to each other that way. I remember asking you to say my name again and again several times and I was amazed at how well you pronounced my Surname because it sounded so hot coming from you. Hence forth I started looking for all means to hear your voice again.



Now if this is what it was like on hearing your voice for the first time; imagine what it felt like to do video with you for the very first time. I mean I know you don’t have to imagine, you already know because you were looking right at me too just that it was such a treat finally see your lovely face, watch you smile, you are always smiling. I loved when you let your hair down and catch the curls all over your face. By that point in time I had already seen several pictures of you but looking at you in person or in video was a much better delight.
And so forth it progressed from texting to video and at the same time my life was getting an upgrade. The year 2010 saw me get fully employed at I.S.U. I remember sharing with you the joy of my good fortune and telling you, now I just might be able to afford to come see you. My luck (our Luck) was turning. Over the few years you have been at the receiving end of announcements of promotion and good fortune in my life. I never felt alone even when at certain points I actually was; you were there for me when it all seemed like my friends who had mattered started moving on.
Later that year in 2010 I finally could afford my own computer and I bought a mini-laptop because I could carry it around anywhere and it’s still serving me to this very day although it’s so well used right now to the point of being annoying. I really need an upgrade as far as that is concerned and it’s definitely next on my check-list of important purchases.

I am gonna cut the long story short. As the successes in my life piled up the one thing that always seemed to in such a vivid manifestation was you. I had everything but you. For years you have been my diary; you know absolutely everything that’s gone o in my life since 2009, my break-up, my half-hearted attempt at dating other girls, my conquests, the new friendships I have developed some of which turned serious but which never amounted to anything because no matter how good a thing I got going for me over here, none of it could ever compare to what I felt for you. Somehow my heart had long decided it was you it had settled on and nothing or no one was going to get that spot in my life.

Things looked really looked hopeless for me in the autumn of 2010. The one thing that I always feared at the back of mind finally came to pass. You met someone and to me I had really lost you. We were after all just close friends because it didn't make sense to hold on to the impossible. Even though we maintained a close personal friendship it just wasn't the same; I was on the road to becoming just somebody you used to know. I licked my wounds, nursed my sorrows and hoped that one day I would get a chance to fight for you because I felt it was an unfair battle since my competition was in close proximity with you and I was all the way over here in bloody Uganda.
I was happy that you were happy. This kind of happiness can only be described this way …

“love is when you say you just want her to be happy when in reality you can’t afford your own happiness, when inside you’re fallin to pieces and u would still give anything to see her smile.”

I didn't quite believe he could make you as happy as I could have I admit but maybe he did, I was just too proud to admit that someone could steal your heart, the truth is, I was afraid to admit just how much I loved you for fear of ruining your happiness. That I could quite never get over you no matter how hard I pretended to be nothing but just a friend (am pathetic I know) so for almost a year I told myself I was just a friend and I listened to your stories about him and refusing to wish they were stories about me. The harder I fought to deny what I felt the more I felt for you. By the beginning of winter 2010 we decided to cut down on the communication. I buried myself in my work and my career; I swam harder, faster, more desperately, I took out all my energy and my frustrations on the water, I worked out beyond my breaking point and no matter how much faster my swim times got the less it meant to me and the more I wanted to achieve, I thought the satisfaction I needed was to swim my very bestest, way beyond it; to achieve greatness in the one thing I had left that I was really good at and I swam mercilessly much more. I reduced my personal best times in the 50m butterfly twice that year, I had gone to Rwanda for competitions and back and prepared for Dubai. I immersed myself in trying to drown my feelings for you and for a while it looked like it was working. I started feeling like my life was getting back to normal and I was rising up from the earth. I declared myself back on the market-the dating market. I felt like I had gotten control of my life, like you were not such a big deal to me anymore. I told myself that it wasn't meant to be and finally I could stop deluding myself that there was ever gonna be a future for us together. It had gone on way too long and I needed to move on and live my life; that I didn't have a plan in sight; that I should stop torturing myself with the hope that we could one day ever be and in my focus to tell myself this, I’d actually started to believe it, so why did I still feel like it was the biggest tragedy in my life?

Finally the year 2010 rolled to an end. For a while I was consumed by the excitement of achieving another step in my swimming career by not only making it to the 10th FINA short course world swimming champs but also improving my times and breaking my personal best and also the national 50m fly record. My life was a success and I was the most eligible bachelor in town or so I felt. It was time to have some fun. Good thing I had some great friends in my life too and I settled down to simply enjoy the good fortune of being a single unhinged full-blooded Ugandan male with time to kill and money to blow.
BADMAN ENERGY
 Waste I did. I spent it on partying, taking strange girls on mini dates here and there but most importantly building my real friendships; that wasn't a waste. We had great quality time and I started the BADMAN ENERGY boys nights out which was basically one night reserved for hard partying with my boys only. We got to let loose and drink ourselves silly and just be boys. The page I developed on Facebook had the most appropriate email badman.nolove@facebook.com it was a declaration that I didn't need the lovey dovey things in life as long as I got my boys; I had my team and my work place and my wolf pack; I was untouchable and this worked for me for a long while and I seemed to be happy to be a free stallion.

Of course I kept you updated of all this. Somehow no matter how great the girls I met during this period, I could not bring myself to commit to them, none of them ever made me picture any sort f future with them in it so it wasn't an appealing prospect to pursue anything; I hadn't reached the point where somebody could get me as much as you do. I missed you and I didn't even realize it, my heart never bought that charade of a life free of you- it loved you still … and I did too.

Then one day in early 2011 you mentioned something that made me stop; pause everything and really listen to what you had to say. You told me that it didn't work out with the guy you were dating and you had ended it. I genuinely felt sorry for the guy who had the bad sense to not recognize the good girl he had and had just lost. How could anybody be that stupid and from feeling sorry I got a lil mad that he didn't cherish you as much as you deserved or else he would  have given you the time you deserved; he did not put you above his work and he lost you … his loss!

Well that was the beginning of a good thing for us. I was still pretty much a constant presence in your life so it went from vague to clearer presence; it has never been any less clear since then. 
So Shanghai happened and then just after I decided I needed to do something about you. Take a step towards you. Establish more than an emotional connection; I needed a physical connection to reassure me that the last 2 years were not an emotional illusion, to reaffirm that what you meant to me was not just a figment of my imagination.
One calm Sunday evening when I was chilling with one of my best buds Robert enjoying a few drinks, the catching up and just co-existing with our gadgets as we hang online we started talking about making a trip outside of Uganda together again in a non official mission, not swimming for a swimming competition or for business, just a vacation somewhere to just let loose and have a good time. We realized that the last time we traveled anywhere together was to Belgrade and that brought back memories of my time with you so we checked for great destinations and for the first time I discovered how affordable a flight to Europe could be hhmmmmmm …
Two days later we settled on Austria. It was finally time to mention it to you. I told you about it and I was surprised by how excited you came when I mentioned I was coming back to Europe! You excitedly told me you could join me there for a lovely long awaited reunion. That I declare was the best news I ever received in my life. The pieces were finally fitting into place, the picture of us together was finally taking shape, it reminded me of a jigsaw puzzle we had back at home that we spent a whole year solving and somehow we were that puzzle, no matter how long it took, it was finally completed, the most difficult puzzle I have ever worked on, it was huge and the pieces so little that each section was painfully slowly put into its rightful place, the picture we fit together was so breathtakingly beautiful I couldn’t remember how tough it had been to create and here we were at the brink of completion, just like that picture. The thought of finally being able to meet you in person and spend almost 3 great weeks in your company was beyond exciting. It’s the one thing I realized I’d been waiting to hear for a long time. My dreams were finally coming true. That’s exactly what it felt like hearing you say that.
It was a dream come true and what made it even more exciting is that you too felt the same. It was time we met and found out if this was gonna work for us or not, if we just fantasized about something that wasn't really real. Time for a reality check; that was exactly what we needed and here was an opportunity for that and winter in Vienna seemed like the perfect opportunity.
I can’t begin to describe the feeling I had during those few months of planning for Vienna. The excited conversations we had; we built castles in the air and painted them with the most colorful descriptions; we envisioned the most perfect holiday and with the help of Roberts contacts and foster family in Vienna, the plans were coming around beautifully. I ran around applying for a Visa, getting insurance and supporting documents from our hosts who were financing our holiday, we felt like the luckiest young couple in the world; my life was soaring to a climax and I wasn't alone, I was riding it with you. As the days drew closer the more the anticipation built up and the nervousness kicked in because I didn't quite know which girl I was gonna find when I stepped off of that plane in Vienna, would it be the girl I had kissed so passionately 2 years before or a different person altogether?
I knew I had to find out and finally the day came to pick up my travel documents, I was all set and I walked confidently into the German Embassy of Uganda, my heart beating with all the great dreams and expectations of the past several months and after a little waiting I was called to pick up my passport and I was told

“Your visa got denied …”

I had done everything they asked me to. I had no doubt that I had handed in every requirement, there was no way I had not prepared everything they had asked to grant me a visa. I could not begin to express the pain of my disappointment; having your dreams and hopes come crushing down again. I frantically tried to salvage the situation by appealing for the visa but it was too late. 2 weeks later my fate was sealed, I was never to meet the girl of my dreams in a beautiful city in Europe, I was never to see you that year; it looked like we were never gonna be able to meet. I had the money for a ticket but not the entry I needed. All our plans had come to nothing; we were back to our starting point. Heartbroken, devastated and inconsolable I walked away …

Post Script
Dear Peaches,
This is by far not the end of our story and you very well know that the next chapter after this is so beautiful I don’t know if I will ever find the right words to express the next chapter. I hope you followed all the links to this story that has evolved over the past week after my birthday, I woke up fired up enough to attempt to write this story in one day on the morning of the 29th Dec. 2012 but finally here is what I had wanted to express all those years before but hadn’t gotten round to doing.
I wanted to write to you something so beautiful you smile until it makes you cry. I hope I have been able to or at least in your heart I have accomplished to make you come to the conclusion that you are just the best I ever had.
I have waited all my life to finally say this to the right girl. At the time I wrote it, I didn't know who exactly that person would turn out to be, but now I know for sure that all those six years before you were the one I was writing this for …
If I had a wish, I would wish for you to never leave my side, without you am eternally incomplete, no one understands my need more than you, I see something special when I look into your eyes and thank God that I met you. If you could read my mind, you would understand that there are things that I feel too deeply to put into words …. They are predominantly about you, that you were meant to be, meant for me. It delights me to watch you come up to me, put your arms around me and hold me in a warm embrace, I can only feel climactic happiness and I am forever reminded that it is love, always was love, sweet soothing love, it even appeals to the diabetic, touching the very soul and send it tingling and shivering with smoldering passion of such intensity it hurts to even think of with out really experiencing. I asked God to give me an answer to all my yearnings and he sent you, wonderful you, to keep and to hold. I wanted nothing less. To tolerate each others point of view, to accept without judgement. To give and to take without ever keeping score and to be there as I am for them as they’re for me, to comfort our sorrows, to celebrate our joys. We cant be friends because am still in love with you, I ain't no fool I know money can't buy me love and I know you don’t believe in fairy tales but if you did, I’d want to be your knight in shining armor     
Volim te
Always
Chocolate.

Happy New Year :)

Saturday, 29 December 2012

HAPPY


HAPPY

  Trudging in the soft semi-dry sand on the lake shore was the down-cast figure of Krow as lifeless as the deserted beach. His hand deep in his pocket, the chilly wind blew the straw of hair on his head into his face, he did nothing to clear it of the locks in fact he seemed not to notice anything around him not even himself.
  Trailing behind him could be seen the footprints he’d made and each of them looked like they had a story of their own to tell, they were made by the weight of his body, they’d sank under the weight of his sorrow, the earth and the sand had parted to let him deposit some of his misery as he walked on- those were the scars of his life all coming undone piece by soft piece.
   He looked at the meandering grass that grew on blindly towards the water but could hardly make it due to the barren sand, he pitied the shrivelling grass. He pulled his jacket closer and trudged slowly on. The wind continued mourning around him his face down, his chin touching his collarbones Krow plodded on to nowhere.
    A tear crawled slowly unnoticed from the corner of his left eye, made a thin trail, stopped, hesitated, built up and succumbed to gravity and at the same time he stopped his eyes focusing on the ground below, the tear finally hit the ground unearthing some thing slightly which he saw.  He stooped and picked up the rusty piece of metal, blew away the sand and examined it, it was a tiny ancient necklace locket. He tried prying it open but the rust had spoilt its hinges and sort of glued it together such that it was impossible to open so he held it in  the fist of his hand and moved on.
    This was not the first time that Krow had come to the lake shore, he spent most of his days walking the length of the beach in a sombre mood and far at the end of this beach stood a lonely spot- a flat square concrete stone block just outside the water which had lapped at it through the ages and changes in tide giving it a jagged and rugged look. It was Krow’s favourite spot. He’d step on to it, stand rigidly still and gaze into the horizon for hours on end. Today wasn’t an exception only this time he had something else to stare at.
   He laid out his palm and stood on the Watchtower as he called the stone wondering at the locket whether it had a story and what its story was, at the same time figuring out the best way to open it curious at what he’d find inside of it. He tried to pry it open but failed again.
   He put it in his pocket and watched the sun set. Every day he came to the same spot with the locket in his pocket, he would extract it, look hard and then he started talking to it ‘ you know, i-I don’t know why I keep you, you piece a crap….’ ‘Whom did you belong to? I wonder…’ ‘Why did you end up here on the lonely beach …’ ‘why won’t you open damn it!’
   He’d joke, be serious, rant and rage at the locket and it patiently listened to him and for a long time Krow grew to like the locket more and more, his curiosity grew by bounds and one time he got so mad he hit the locket on the rock but still it would not open. He’d named it ‘tears’ because it had been discovered by his tear and for a long time this continued for Mr. Krow and his locket.
    The rust had slowly started to wear off and below it shone gold like in the sunset but Krow hardly noticed the change much, he was only glad he had a friend to share his loneliness with and pine into and slowly the locket transformed into the most beautiful gem ever beheld and finally Krow gradually noticed and became fascinated with the change.
   The day the last chip of rust fell off was an awesome day. Krow had gone to the watchtower as usual and sat down cross-legged on the stone momentarily drowning in the suns rays enjoying the lazy feeling it brought until it started to lose its warmth as it set then he removed the locket from its hiding place, the last chip of rust caught on the fabric of the cloth inside yanking almost free and thus loosened as he pulled the locket out of the pocket. Once outside it totally came off the locket and fell into the calm waters of the lake. As Krow looked at the locket he had the oddest feeling of peace and calm, he closed his eyes holding the locket between his index finger and the thumb.
   The feeling was so blissfully intense it distracted him and he did not notice the locket opening so that when he opened his eyes an amazing sight lay before him. He stared at it transfixed and could not move, every thing else seemed to fade away and it was just him and the locket, it was strangely familiar and so beautiful.
    In the locket he beheld an image and that image was smiling the happiest smile he’d ever seen, so genuinely happy it seemed then it hit him…
There was nothing in the locket except a tiny mirror and in the mirror what he saw wasn’t just an image, it was a reflection of his face and it was he who was smiling. The realisation seemed to knock the senses out of his body taking his breath away, his hands went numb and he dropped the locket into the water, he had a few seconds glance at it before it was swallowed by the wave disappearing forever but he did not care.
   Something inside of him had snapped at that moment it was like he was nolonger a prisoner of something, he’d been released, he was free at last, free from everything, tears had brought him freedom and he wanted to shout, dance and jump with joy, he felt like he could do anything and that is exactly what he did, he let out a whoop of joy, ran on the beach hardly leaving any prints in his wake, he did cartwheels, he spun around in circles his hands spread out, his head tilted up smiling so greatly he laughed like never before, shouted his voice hoarse, kicked the sand, tripped and fell down rolled in the sand got up and ran some more basically going wild with joy and as he trudged and disappeared into the horizon his figure looked so full of life his quest was no more at last he’d found the greatest quest of all, at last he was happy…

LION AMONG CHEETAHS


LION AMONG CHEETAHS

Once upon a time there was an ungrateful lion. This lion was so ungrateful that he depressed everything around him. He was ungrateful about his family, in fact he blamed them the most for committing the biggest crime- that of bringing him into the world a lion. It was their fault he was born and a lion at that, their fault he had the looks of a lion, their fault he had to act like a lion and take responsibilities the way lions did therefore he totally refused to do anything that any self respecting lion was entitled to or was known for.

He hated having to work for what to eat hated the world for being what it was and yet any sort of change that affected him worsened his liking so he spent most days cursing and blaming life along with everything in it. He hated everything that tried to identify with what he was and so he had very few friends if you could count zero, he was not even a friend to himself. Most of his young days as a cub were spent in idling, cursing and sulking at the world. He was truly an impossible cub, a headache and burden to his parents, siblings and the rest of the animals of the wild at large. He was bound for trouble every one agreed. He was fast cutting out a straight road to disaster and doom, he almost enjoyed it.

He was master at hunger strikes, disliked everyone and everyone in turn loathed him. He became a plague and everyone fought to avoid him and his foul attitude. He was the first to desert the den, barely old enough to fend for himself but all the others thought it was good riddance. He unbelievably also hated the fact that he was a powerful species among wild creatures and scowled at the fact other animals were in awe of his abilities, to him he had none and despised the lions way of life. He often got his food through cheating and bullying others. He especially envied the cheetahs because they were faster than him and thus he maliciously befriended them so that he could exploit their abilities. He also started associating with the hyenas and like them would spend the day waiting for captured prey and scavenging and as a result he became greedy like them hungry for anything that crossed his path regardless of whether he had need for it. He became fat and lazy due to lack of exercise.

He also sought the company of the leopards who no choices but tolerate him due to his status in the jungle. The leopards were carefree, agile and cunning, they did whatever they chose, broke most of the jungle laws. He copied this and became a very bad example to the royal blood. He despised himself the more he deviated. His arrogance got him into a lot of trouble in that he even started invading man’s territory making himself a total menace and idiot. He preyed on the forbidden animals-the domestic creatures because they were easy prey and he enjoyed the fact that he could get away with his sick games. He despised man who was his greatest enemy and threat hence he could not get enough tricks to play on him. He was very selfish during hard times when food was scarce. Due to his dirty tricks he always had what to eat mostly gotten through stealing and raiding man’s traps and his domestic animals or when the worst came to the worst – begging.

When the animals came to him, he laughed in their faces and gave a mighty roar – the only thing he was proud of – sending them scampering off. Such was the life of our ungrateful lion but his thieving was not long to be tolerated and soon his conniving friends the hyenas and leopards ignored to warn him of the trap that man had set for him. He got himself snared in a net and promptly caught. He got the beating of his life which left him with many broken bones and time in a cell in the zoo next to a cage of annoying monkeys and nagging cell mates. Ungrateful as usual he‘d not allow to be treated until he was too weak to resist. When he got better he was so mad at his cell mates and disliked the keeper the worst. He became angrier each passing day which turned into months and then a year and still he raged on.

He was given his own cell and fed the worst food; he lost a lot of weight and became the talk of the zoo ridiculed by mostly the monkeys who laughed at his stupidity. He abused himself by lying around dung, lied to his neighbors and cheated them out of food until none could trust him so he starved a lot. He realised his cunning wont get him anywhere so he settled for sulking. He became a most wretched creature- hated, lonely, bored, bad-tempered, despised and malnourished, what a great lion he’d turned into indeed!
The monkeys cheered his majesty in his great palace.

As time passed it started weighing on him how despicable he had become so he cleaned up, started treating the keeper with wary politeness, allowed to be petted a few times and purred to show he liked it. Due to this improvement he started getting better food; his neighbors detected a change when he no longer raged at them although he still sulked a great deal. An old lion laughed at him and made jokes to provoke him but he was ignored until he gave up and realised the young was almost broken. So it came to be that when the old lion talked he listened but rarely participated in the conversation but in his heart for the first time he was grateful others were not so afraid and hateful of him. He quietened and grew strong and healthy; he delighted in the peace and being left alone although he always missed the freedom of the wild. With time on his side, he thought of all the wrongs and bad behavior he had relished and was so ashamed of himself.

During the third year of his prison life he was released when the keeper realised that he was pining after the wild and then came the hardest part of his life. None was glad to see him back; even the cheetahs and hyenas sensed a change in his old bad self so they stayed away. But lion was so happy to be free he did not mind any kind of attitude towards him which was largely enemity. He had a tough time fighting off fellow male lions for territory but he had an advantage of being stronger and better fed than most of the others so he lost no time in making his presence felt.  However all the years of doing nothing had softened him, he knew no honest lifestyle, he almost failed to get a mate but luckily some misfit of a lioness felt pity for him and taught him the rules of life. He also had  developed a keen insight, its like he was seeing things for the first time. He became very interested in how easily most creatures fell prey to their predators.

Mostly he was interested in the prey itself which included gazelles, antelopes, impalas. He did desire them differently, he admired their grace and beauty and pitied them for being easy prey to the cheetahs and most animals. He also observed how cheetahs were fast in pursuing their prey but as soon as they got what they wanted from the fallen animal, they off chasing another leaving the rest to the vultures and hyenas. Then lion also noticed that the cheetahs somehow knew how the gazelles behaved especially in groups and hence lost no time singling out those of their choice immediately signing their death warrant.

Those that survived longer were the loners that kept away from the herd and these became game for our lion. He no longer wanted to be like the cheetahs that predicted their game and made short chase. They no longer valued the meat, just the chase because they knew the prey was available in plenty. He was ashamed of what he’d been, like a hyena he’d waited for fallen prey and realised there was no satisfaction or pride in that and like cheetahs he’d been a mere conqueror, had basked in his conquests and now he had no self-esteem. Therefore he completely changed his game. He sought out those unique, tactful and clever ones that would provide the greatest challenge. Sometimes he’d chase one for a whole day almost giving up to pick easy prey but he’d remember the effort he’d already put in. was it all for nothing? And right back to the chase he’d go.

Whenever he managed to capture his prey which wasn’t always, he’d make sure he treated the meat with the utmost respect it deserves, feed himself until it was all gone. It was all his not to be shared with the likes of the hyenas and due to this, nature started being good to him and he was well provided for. Other animals began respecting him and some took up his example therefore more prey was spared the humiliation of falling to the teeth of base creatures like the hyenas and vultures that also started working on getting themselves food instead of nsegarizing , they had now turned bitter enemies of  the lion. Consequently easy prey became hard to come by. At last the lion was no longer worthless, he’d done the wild a good turn and he lived to be remembered for many generations to come.



PEER PRESSURE


PEER PRESSURE

Peer pressure is more of a pull than a push a very gentle pull that takes you in bits and pieces and before you know it, it has all of you. It is like a gentle flood of water that comes sipping into your little cocoon of a house, you think its compact and locked up pretty good, it invades your safe haven and embraces you in your safety but you hardly notice it so slowly the water slips under your door, sweeping under the rugs and soon it takes over the whole floor – your base, takes over the place that had your stability and then this accomplished, it starts rising so calmly, so naturally such that  before you know it, you’re knee deep under it and that’s when you start feeling the pressure but of course, it is still minimal, it keeps rising till it’s waist high and that’s when the initial panic sets in. Frantically, you rush for the door, to escape or let it out.
At this point, it has become a deal because unnoticed; the water has actually gotten not only around you but to you and into you. Some have the strength to break free others not really, so some after the initial rush to the door manage to open it before it’s too late and escape it but for most, the door is the defining moment. Once you reach the door, hand on the door knob, you pause, look behind and that’s when it hits you that you might not exactly want to leave the room because it has gotten to you in a small way and somehow you realize that the feeling you gave you ain’t that bad after all. You think of the times before the invasion, you were really lonely, confused and boring and you realize that the water surrounding actually brings some great sense of comfort, at this point you wouldn’t mind, you think of the downside of opening that door, is it really the better choice, it might be sunny or it might be rainy outside, you shake your head, you are not willing to take that chance, you’re not willing to go back to that cold world, besides as you reach the door you feel the pressure, the magnetic force pulling you back now that it gas gotten a big part of you in its grip, its sunk its claw deep into your flesh, and tearing away is actually painful, so slowly you  let go of the door knob and slip back away from everything else and the things inside that room is all that matters, so you lose yourself among these things but before long, the water reaches chest high and suddenly you feel so crowded  and at this point, it stoops being such fun, everything and everyone is struggling to have the little that is left, you start regretting why you succumbed to the jury of your peers just when you had a chance to get it easily, you look to the door and now it is crowded with all those struggling to get out, the distance to the door now feels longer, the water got so absorbed into your body it weakened your system, you make a weak effort to try to escape only to be laughed at by those who gave up a long time ago, you totally have no support, you ignored the calls from  the outside to  get out while you can, you are scared of going outside anyway because you got used to the life of a water-filled room that has left you incapacitated, that’s when you actually feel the pressure everywhere, all around you and in your veins, you feel the hold it has on you, you never realized as one by one heavy blocks were placed on your shoulders, heavier and heavier, they grew as more got added on and in trying to hold yourself up, you never realized you were sinking under the pressure and soon you can hardly breathe, you are neck high under water and that’s when you start struggling trying to save yourself, but the pressure fights back sinking its claws deeper into your flesh, but this time you actually feel the pain, it’s brutal and it’s pulling you under, you are on pressure from all sides, even from inside you , the things you swallowed are extremely demanding too, you are backed into a corner and with one helpless gulp you sink under never to re-surface, your last thought that of utter loneliness and regret.
Having given up, helpless, feeling the life ebb out of you, you think of the wrong choices that led you to that point, it’s amazing how wonderful they looked at the time so with one last effort, you cry out to the Almighty, The One who hears and sees everything, so he heard you cry and never-failing, he swoops down, a powerful hand shoots down through the water and clutches your hand pulling you back to the surface and out of the water filled room into the sun and the wind away from the toxic clutches of the water panting and dripping wet but drying fast you are filled by an overwhelming sense of gratitude. You realize how lucky you are and there is no one who can understand the feeling of having been saved but he who saved you! Only then do you realize that you never want to be where you have been neither would you wish anyone to go where you have been, you dedicate your life to Him who saved you, the never-failing Him who delivers people like you, He who never gave up after all else failed but most of all, you never forget the power of peer pressure, never to be underestimated…

LONG WAY HOME


LONG WAY HOME
It’s a long way home, I have lost myself. This is the part when you wish your life was fiction. it was going so well but then you have to go mess it up, you run into the very things you were running away from, the very reason you left home in the first place, you want to be the horrible bad who meets a very deserved bad guy’s ending but then you are the hero of your life, you are the good guy who doesn’t deserve the good guys good ending, you try to say it but they think its part of the plot of your life until in the end you come to accept it, you have fooled even yourself so in the end you don’t know who you are but deep down you know that’s not you, at the back of  your mind there is that pestering reminder that this is not home because actually your heart is not there that’s why you keep messing things up and you keep asking why things are always going so wrong by you, you are running from yourself the whole of your life and you don’t even know it, you want to turn back, but you wont, you simply…cant!
It requires too much so you choose to get, rather be stuck on a long lonely, bleak and unpredictable road, you meet strangers on the way but really your focus is ahead trying to figure the end of the road and your mind is behind trying to remember the way back so that when the stranger leaves and another one comes along, you hardly notice, you are trapped inside yourself and do not want to come out because its lonely and scary and you are afraid that if you do, you will freak out and may be feel worse. It rains, it shines, it blows and still you trudge on, it’s the only security you have, the monotonous trudge but there is something to the trudge, you smell the sweet yellow and blue flowers by the roadside laden with memories of the innocent times of utter careless joy and mischief , there is music in the wind, it not only keeps you with the times, sometimes one strikes you as pleasantly familiar, a shadow of a smile creeps on your face and things are not so bad after all. Being the good guy is better than the horrible guy when you are by yourself and there is no audience to spoil everything with their expectations that you gave them in the first place and that they want to remain stuck to regardless of the fact that you are on a trudge which progresses. They want to idolize you and yet you are going to leave them behind, they don’t understand the trudge state of mind, you did not ask for them and neither did the trudge, it just came to be that all things considered your trudge came at crossroads and its no longer about the trudge but which trudge, all the time on the trudge spent in trying to steel yourself against this very thing just cant make up for the reality of the decision at hand and these voices in your head that it is too late to turn back now, you close your eyes as if that might merge the two trudges so you can be on your way and then it hits you that it’s the first time in a long, long time that you are at a standstill and suddenly it feels so good just to take a simple break to catch your breath, the two trudges become a blessing and the shadow blossoms into a real smile, you haven’t made it but that’s not the point, you probably will never really make it, what if you don’t? it doesn’t really matter at all, what matters is that you have made it to this point and you realize that no one told you to smile, it just happened, you decide to make this point your home. Home is not where you choose to go, home is where you’ve realised you have reached and you’re happy there and regardless of where you’ve been, you are not afraid to go there, you did not push yourself, that voice in the background, that best friend guided you home without showing off because that’s what best friends do-look out for you, guide you home, even when you were too pre-occupied with being mad at yourself for being so yourself…                  

Friday, 28 December 2012

IN THE STILLNESS


Alone feeling left out, he sat down and wrote. Some people sing, others talk, pray or paint. He writes. He sat down and wrote his heart out, wrote about how misunderstood he is; wrote about his dreams and goals. He found a best friend in the pen in his hands because only then, only when he wrote did he feel understood fully. He poured all his sorrows and joys on those fine blank pages; smeared his pain all over, let the pain drain out through the ink bleeding onto the bright fresh pages. On these pages he picked and resolved all his fights; lived here ever so fiercely and expressed all the things he’d always left unsaid.
We all have our expressions but to me nothing empowers as deeply as him who writes. The beauty is in the creative process and the creation is just an added reward. There’s an artist in all of us. Whether we use gadgets as our form of expression- invent machines, paint; take photos or animate them with special effects; we are all drawn to an infinite need to express creatively.
Life is art not science …
Every chemical finds expression in its function, non living things are ARTificial for a reason, they were born out of a need to express. And here are my expressions …

Y’know some people never get the luxury to go back to their beginnings but I do every year. Some people just never realize when to stop! Just stop adding things. Getting more things is not the way to achieve fulfillment. I suggest you streamline what you have; let it blossom for you. Some people never realize they have everything they ever wanted. Truth is, no matter what you get, it may never be enough. You’re always worried about ensuring you never lose what you got and you think the solution is to heap on more stuff.
Being back home I got a chance to observe my lil cousin sister. She is so happy watching boring telenovelas on local TV stations and I can’t imagine ever having been thrilled by local TV programs which obviously every one in my generation did. I cant recall having the simple pleasure of  watching just TV. Now I need a TV, digital TV decoder, laptop, home-theatre with surround sound, laptop, internet, smart mobile phone, video calls et al to achieve the same thrill as my lil cousin. Even then, upgrades, upgrades is the name of the game. We are drowning in this stuff and I miss how simple life used to be when my only entertainment was the family TV. I miss how personal relationships used to be. Being home reminds me of the simplicity of it all.
chilling in the stillness
 I would love for my kids to have a starting point like this so that even if they fell this far, there would be so much beauty in starting over; in being back at your starting point, in not fearing to take the fall because it’s well where you have been.

Has anyone ever contemplated the term ‘STILL’?

There’s a total standpoint to it, a perfect pause; a total lack of action and yet …

A resounding unendingness to it  like … like something unresolved; like its never over; like a pattern of continuity that you can’t quite place your fingers on, a hope for something more, a reassurance of eternal presence …
Am come to that point; am at still. My mastermind is smiling. It feels great to meet still and its revelations.

 It grows darker and I must move on because it’s not good to stay still for too long or it might lose its magic and trap you on its forever paused side.
 There really are two sides to everything.
Even in the stillness there’s a playlist in my head. Even when I don’t have headphones on I can hear it. There’s more than one purpose to everything living. Take senses for example; they are gathering memories and here I thought there's only one way to do that. My memories are gathered and stored in my senses , sights I see, sounds I hear, smells and things I touch remind me of a time when some things meant so much or meant so little. It’s amazing that even blind men have memories of things colorful. 
something beautiful
‘I remember …” is the most powerful tool of exulting our aliveness. It means I have been here before and I still am.
This is a dedication to the things that influence us without our knowledge because today I am proud of whatever and whoever made me by acknowledging am proud of me. Cheers to that and to those who appreciate what am talking about.
For a while it didn't matter if I was out of touch. Its good to get away from it all for a lil while and get some perspective. Right now I see things clear.
We keep some friends in our lives for a reason and to those that aren’t in our lives anymore, look at it this way... what never made it in the journals is the biggest and best part we ever experienced.
Epic stories are not written on pages, they are written in the hearts of those whose lives we touched. 
I never set out to be a great athlete, I just did what I loved and at a certain point you get driven by who you meet; you meet people who get convinced that you have it in you to be a champion so for a while you feed off someone’s purpose for you and you accomplish his goals and dreams. It doesn't change the fact that you just wanted to do what you love in the first instance. So cheers to those who pushed you to greater heights; you made their dreams come true. He can go tell an epic story about you now.
Love doesn’t conquer all, it has always been in us, love just provided the means. Let love go tell an epic story about us. What is important is that we lived it. We made it happen. We inspired something beautiful. We made it a reason for there to be a reason. Every human is an epic story.
And with that I come to the end of my moment in the stillness …

MUKOMBOTTI DIARIES


During the holidays I always go back to the basics and this time I chose to do it with a pot of Malos. These heights from the local beer are quite the stuff of legend. The euphoria they bring with a taste of things past and how they slide over you; enveloping you in a magical haze of quiet contentedness was very refreshing and calming.
 No matter how far you fly somehow you always need to get back to the basics. Every year I get a fresh start; this is me hitting my restart button or should I say refresh; from here I get to launch into a space unmarred by my past and the only non-blank spot is my mind filled with memories of  my starting point. Here I find my compass and direction and like a master painter with bold strokes I use my memories to forge a new path using the old to create the new. I always find a plan knowing that without fail the master lifesmith will create the obstacles necessary for the story to be interesting in order for my plan to be a success story because like every great artist the challenge is in the journey not the creative process.
I think even God didn’t wanna spoil the surprise of envisioning what his creation will do and he gave them freewill which at one point may run crazily out of control that’s when he comes in and puts it back to a manageable track. If he ever envisioned how wide our imagination and creativity could go I think he would have gotten rid of the idea of free will or maybe he’s such a strong guy; he chose to risk it and let us surprise him. But how did we keep up with the link to him in the first place because we had the potential to stray so far away from him. How did we ever get to a point when we realized we needed a higher power to stay in charge?? How did we get so beautiful yet so utterly disgusting? How does such a good thing cross a line so dangerous and why do good things get so bad? Why are we ever fighting to break free of our moral constraints and why do they feel like constraints when they are apparently inherently good for us. And if we have so called free will isn’t these moral constraints part of the problem, hindering our inherent nature to be free to do whatever; was that God’s clever plan to keep us in check while keeping up the illusion that we are in fact free? Do we get punished for exercising our free will or only when the exercising of that free will hinders the expression of the free will of others? How far can our free will really stray? There is a leash, the trouble is in deciding if that leash is good for us or not. I look at the dogs on a leash and we know it’s for their protection but then if a dog truly loved his master, he would stay close without the requirement of a leash and he would probably know better but since our crime is that we don’t know better hence the need for a leash right?? Well on the bright side not really knowing better is the fun part. Let the almighty worry about our safety, we were born to experience life not discern its complexities; so enjoy the simplicity of being a mortal pips.
The problem with free will is that we are forever testing how far we can stretch it, when do we ever settle for what works for us? I know that probably somebody somewhere out there pities me for my principles and someone else admires them? Every time someone compliments me on how good I am, I am only reminded of how much more wanting I feel or of everything that makes me imperfect.
Some people are more for a particular stance. Am not one of those people. My stance is way more complicated but why do I feel like am wrong for being like this? But what makes the rest of us right for being different from my non-stance? For instance I don’t like something but don’t mind it either, that doesn’t bother me. How do I choose a side which I don’t have?  I might be standing on the sidewalk not sure if it’s my place or a temporary position. I feel everything infinitely deeper but outstandingly vaguer because I find no meaning and no answers. My definition is not a swimmer or a writer or a teacher; I could be a lover but does it count? I have an infinite ear for music even that frowned upon by a different me trying to be like a conformer.
I just lost track of my thoughts …