Friday, 27 January 2012


Tap … tap … taap
The little ball hits the wall again and again and bounces back into his awaiting hand
His body is in auto drive, his mind is elsewhere, the ball just seems to fall into place and just as suddenly is cast away towards the wall idly. The only thing he is conscious of is the effort its taking him not to scream. He is like the street beggar on the corner with her arm out-stretched crying out for a coin, he passes her every day. He has blocked her voice out with the earphones plugged into his ears but still it echoes throughout his system as he strides past her. It’s like that hunger to have something … anything is eating away at him too.
He can feel the sound of the taxi tout calling out for passengers; the persistence in his voice is like a deep knife wound in his back being twisted again and again, it sends waves and waves of will power jolting him into more desperate pleading. Mixed with this is the loud voice of the street preacher calling out so passionately to the people trying even harder to ignore him. A few wave and smile at him and the huge smile of gratitude on his face for being acknowledged is almost too hard to bear. His eyes shine with a fire that finds expression in the vigorous wave of his worn out scorched Bible. His voice is hoarse from the strenuous shouting and still he passes by just seeing the movement of the preacher’s mouth and only hearing the music of his soul. There is a hunger to be accepted, to be acknowledged … to pass on to. 

There a hunger in the whirlwind of buttons being punched on this computer trying to capture it as fast as it’s flowing. Something so untouched in the music flowing from his soul at the images flashing through his head; there’s a strength in every fly pull he catches underneath the waves of the pool plunging forward, to most it’s a blur but to him he can feel every little bit of the strength its taking him to go on, in every first step he takes to get his weary body out of bed to the life that just won’t quit, the life that keeps calling even when he’s had it, in every teary drop he catches on his shoulders from those in a moment of weakness and self pity, there is a passion to make it but it just is not happening, in the struggle to feel like life is finally giving you a lucky break, in the strength to go through another day without that person who makes his heart come alive; the will to hold on just a little longer, to never give up, even in the deepest disappointment, that moment when someone you trust with all your life lets you down in the smallest way but it feels like the worst way ever.

It might be joy or sorrow, pain or pleasure, pride or disappointment, loud or calm, a storm or a fire, whatever it is it just takes you over and there you stand paralyzed in its fiend grip, whether you wish it to let you go or hold on just a little longer, it’s never up to you it’s just something you didn’t see coming and you are powerless in its grip
Even the best of us fall under the paralyzing power of passion. Run or hide, it will find you and when it does, pray it leaves you still alive … you won’t be the same.

This endless loop of sounds, feelings, scents, pictures and tastes reflected in the continuous tapping of the ball against the wall. tap tap tap .. and then, not even consciously when he just uses that little bit more strength or his arm was too heavy to lift up fast enough for a moment the ball doesn't return to the hand ... the little shock makes him shake his head quickly and clear his vision as he turns around to look for it …

Thursday, 12 January 2012


I look at myself in the mirror. Who is this guy? My greatest fear is my biggest motivation.
I look at what I have gained, I see myself shading it off, I have changed; no I have turned, not really … I am turning into something. Into what?
How does one do it? You know, get a plan to get through life. I met someone and that became my plan. I didn’t know it at the time but that became my plan. Is that what it is Lord? Will something come up to open a whole new plan for me?
I have been lucky … so far; or was it you Lord, have you always been there lurking in the background, why do you like the background so much or is it my fault you are there? Why does every sentence in my head start with a why or end with a question mark?
Yesterday I found out that I am still up for selection for the Olympics. I mean how ridiculous is that? Obviously I am not gonna make it. I have known that for the longest of time, come to terms with it and then ; I am told I got nominated!
I mean why even bother? I know better but why do I get told, why scratch that healing wound again?
Even if it was possible that a miracle should place me there, why now when I don’t have any thrill for it as it should be? Why wait for me to make my plans and then you go place a damn nomination that has no chance? And why ask me to fight for what’s clearly not mine? Why even try, why do I even fee this way?
I look at myself again, obviously I have seen something. The effect it has all had on me. The movies I have just watched, the training I just did, the work I just performed, the music I just heard, the dream I just experienced, the hopes I just renewed, the love I have just basked in, the girl I just met, the kids I just played with, the news I just got, the people who have just visited me, the book I just read, the junk I just enjoyed online, the time I just wasted invested enjoying it. It’s all had an effect on me. What’s this?
It’s the stuff I have just written, the proof that I have changed, the difference from yesterday, same everything different day, amazing how much changes with time, how none is kept the same because it is affected just by being kept.
Somehow something has got it covered, we need not hustle so hard, I thought this was meant for you, I don’t even know if it’s meant for me after all what’s really mine? Even my name is not mine, it was given, I didn’t even take it, I just accepted it coz that’s what I was called. I didn’t even have a choice in loving it, I had to because it is what it is and so is you. You are a part of me just like that name.
I don’t even know where this is going, whom am talking to, where this is coming from, what it all means. I don’t have to because it simply is.
I flip around to look at this upside down and still I see me top-down, yellow walls, white ceiling, a few snubs here and there but a generally good reaction, all is quiet for once and my thoughts are screaming at me; I had drowned them in sound, I close my eyes and wonder why I nod to things am not convicted about, why I smile at people that exhaust me, why I have to say things that have holes in them and wonder why some people never notice this.
‘This is my conscience speaking’ am interrupted
‘You need to shut up right now and turn the music back on’
‘Yes sir’
I drop my pen and open my eyes …
‘’ okay! Okay!’’ smiley faces J J

Tuesday, 3 January 2012


Who are you right now? Are you at the pivotal point where you need to let everything change to a different direction? What did you do wrong?
I mean do you realize that you actually had your wildest dreams in your grasp … almost? What happened? Where you just not ready or you didn’t try hard enough? Did you blow your only chance or it just wasn’t your time? What does this feel like? Are you a failure or a coward or worse still, both?!
Think back… that moment walking through that long winding isle knowing you could have done better and you are now walking away from your dream; the loser’s walk is more painful when you have had the chance to reach the finals and still you got beaten. This was your big moment to prove that you had deserved it all those years before and then …
Okay, it didn’t go so well, you weren’t the first to get to the brink of the one thing you had been chasing for the largest part of your life and watched it slip away; is it possible that you almost had it but were too afraid to reach out and grab it or just may be it wasn’t yours for the taking.  Even after all you had been through to get to that point, how dare they snatch it away like you still didn’t deserve it??
Worse than this is the moment after; the moment after it is all gone and you are staring at your empty hands, looking at the empty space beyond … blankness, it’s all gone. What’s left is just the dying embers of the memory of that thing and what it would have felt like, you gaze at the space it would have occupied had you gotten it, at the miracle of transformation it would have ignited in you; at the several ladders you would have scaled had this stepping stone presented itself; it just wasn’t fair, you think …
It’s not about being fair, you just happened to draw the unpopular end to this balance of life. It had to be this way so that order can exist. And now you find yourself in this moment after discovering that life actually still goes on, that there are still possibilities where you thought you could never go on new opportunities to reach out for, great options to explore, your cup is empty again and suddenly you have all this new empty space to fill with exciting things, we all know what it feels like to get something new, meet somebody new, start on a new journey, go somewhere new, suddenly there’s so much you can do, that you didn’t know you could and now you have this amazing new chance and freedom to explore it to its entirety. You hadn’t  realized how having so much was indeed crippling you from discovering this but now it’s out with the old and in with the new. This is an amazing chance to be a different you, you no longer have to worry that your life is boring and wished there was something else about it, something more, all you had to do was try yourself as something new, your surroundings didn’t have to change, it’s just you that do and now there you are, stripped of everything that mattered a while ago but thankfully the universe has this amazing ability to never stay the same so where you had drawn a blank earlier, something else happens to be there; else was found at the moment all was lost.


Everybody right now has this energy of starting over, I just wasn’t feeling it, I had lost so much. I had reached the two greatest pinnacles of my life all in one year. I have experienced what it is like to almost have everything I have ever wanted. I had almost grasped the one thing every sportsman sets out to achieve – the chance to participate in the greatest competition known to mankind.
And I have been through it all to get there, through the sweat, salt and water and finally I had reached qualifying point at the world championships and still I was a second too slow. I watched someone else swim better than I did. Two years of fighting to this point and in one small instant it’s all over for you. How does somebody get through all this?
Just as if this wasn’t enough, there is watching another dream to finally be with the girl of your dreams come to nothing. After two years of love, hope, despair and hope reborn you are finally to experience that which I had yearned for, that love across borders, you finally have the chance to be with her in person. The plans get underway and they going great and suddenly at the last moment I get barred from going to be with her. Everything you had planned incredibly falls to pieces.
How does somebody get up from this mess??
This piece I wrote is for myself as much as it is for everybody who cares to read it and I hope you find the strength to start over that I’ve had to harness. This is the year of miracles and in the words of the one I love; ‘the year when our dreams will come true’
This is my moment after …