Tuesday, 3 January 2012


Who are you right now? Are you at the pivotal point where you need to let everything change to a different direction? What did you do wrong?
I mean do you realize that you actually had your wildest dreams in your grasp … almost? What happened? Where you just not ready or you didn’t try hard enough? Did you blow your only chance or it just wasn’t your time? What does this feel like? Are you a failure or a coward or worse still, both?!
Think back… that moment walking through that long winding isle knowing you could have done better and you are now walking away from your dream; the loser’s walk is more painful when you have had the chance to reach the finals and still you got beaten. This was your big moment to prove that you had deserved it all those years before and then …
Okay, it didn’t go so well, you weren’t the first to get to the brink of the one thing you had been chasing for the largest part of your life and watched it slip away; is it possible that you almost had it but were too afraid to reach out and grab it or just may be it wasn’t yours for the taking.  Even after all you had been through to get to that point, how dare they snatch it away like you still didn’t deserve it??
Worse than this is the moment after; the moment after it is all gone and you are staring at your empty hands, looking at the empty space beyond … blankness, it’s all gone. What’s left is just the dying embers of the memory of that thing and what it would have felt like, you gaze at the space it would have occupied had you gotten it, at the miracle of transformation it would have ignited in you; at the several ladders you would have scaled had this stepping stone presented itself; it just wasn’t fair, you think …
It’s not about being fair, you just happened to draw the unpopular end to this balance of life. It had to be this way so that order can exist. And now you find yourself in this moment after discovering that life actually still goes on, that there are still possibilities where you thought you could never go on new opportunities to reach out for, great options to explore, your cup is empty again and suddenly you have all this new empty space to fill with exciting things, we all know what it feels like to get something new, meet somebody new, start on a new journey, go somewhere new, suddenly there’s so much you can do, that you didn’t know you could and now you have this amazing new chance and freedom to explore it to its entirety. You hadn’t  realized how having so much was indeed crippling you from discovering this but now it’s out with the old and in with the new. This is an amazing chance to be a different you, you no longer have to worry that your life is boring and wished there was something else about it, something more, all you had to do was try yourself as something new, your surroundings didn’t have to change, it’s just you that do and now there you are, stripped of everything that mattered a while ago but thankfully the universe has this amazing ability to never stay the same so where you had drawn a blank earlier, something else happens to be there; else was found at the moment all was lost.


Everybody right now has this energy of starting over, I just wasn’t feeling it, I had lost so much. I had reached the two greatest pinnacles of my life all in one year. I have experienced what it is like to almost have everything I have ever wanted. I had almost grasped the one thing every sportsman sets out to achieve – the chance to participate in the greatest competition known to mankind.
And I have been through it all to get there, through the sweat, salt and water and finally I had reached qualifying point at the world championships and still I was a second too slow. I watched someone else swim better than I did. Two years of fighting to this point and in one small instant it’s all over for you. How does somebody get through all this?
Just as if this wasn’t enough, there is watching another dream to finally be with the girl of your dreams come to nothing. After two years of love, hope, despair and hope reborn you are finally to experience that which I had yearned for, that love across borders, you finally have the chance to be with her in person. The plans get underway and they going great and suddenly at the last moment I get barred from going to be with her. Everything you had planned incredibly falls to pieces.
How does somebody get up from this mess??
This piece I wrote is for myself as much as it is for everybody who cares to read it and I hope you find the strength to start over that I’ve had to harness. This is the year of miracles and in the words of the one I love; ‘the year when our dreams will come true’
This is my moment after …

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