Saturday, 10 March 2012


I feel like nothing good has come out of today. I feel like I just did what I had to do. I feel no satisfaction in having lived today, I feel like today I have succumbed to the overwhelming force of pessimism that’s so apparent in life lately, I know there are a few good bits to this day that I should probably focus on to get by but for no clear reason I am just in no mood to pep talk myself and feed myself a load of crap like everything is alright and yet it isn’t because if it was then it would feel so.
I probably didn’t realize it but am demoralized with life today. I am not a loser but today I sort of feel like one, maybe I am just bone tired and weary from the long day at the pool. I could simply tell myself that. Its probably true too but what if it is much more than that! It feels much more. Walking on Buganda Road from wandegz I was suddenly hit by a strong wave of loneliness, my wellbeing reflexes immediately kicked in and countered this negative feeling but not fast enough to block the signals to my head that made me consciously aware of this sense of loneliness starting a war of thoughts in the form of questioning myself. ‘Gosh am a miserable wreck! There’s just u and only you’ said left thought, ‘no you are not. Come on you got lots of great friends who care about you’ retaliated right thought ‘well where are they now you poor loser’ , ‘well you can’t have them all the time you know’ defended right thought ‘will you both shut up!’ I ordered and changed the topic
“ okay, now what am I goin to do when I get home?’ I wondered. Watch a series maybe? But am too tired for that … I should be writing, I owe my journal an update about last month. I consulted memory about last month and the records were so demoralizing that they invited left thought to make an opinion “ see! I told you dude your life sucks! Take today, you woke up at 7.30am on a Saturday morning to get ready for a bloody long draining gala! Who does that? Mind you your legs are still hurting from that stupid sprinting you did yesterday. I thought we agreed that you are a swimmer not a bloody track runner” what the heck are you even doing? You do realize you are going to spend the whole day on your feet and do more work than you do during the week in a single day ON A WEEKEND! Theres a reason its called weekend!
Right thought came to the rescue “take a chill pill man. A dude is gotta make a living” “what living! Seems to me it’s more like a death chase. Dude is not even being paid for all those extra hours, not even facilitated to power through all that  noise and confusion and still be expected to keep a smile on his face every minute of it” “ ahh that’s nothing, he doesn’t mind it because it’s what he does best and it’s fulfilling knowing that he has been there when he is needed”  I noticed this banter between right and left thought was making me unsure and I felt that right thought has a weak argument which is not at all convincing. Left thought seemed to pick up on this further fueling up his opinion now directed straight at me. “ now seriously dude,” he said … “ what the heck are you doing waking up a day where the first thing you hear is that kid who is vying to upstage your butterfly reign that he made 28.87 in Nairobi! That is a few micro seconds ahead of your national record time and it just may be official” the one thing that you had an upper hand in is seriously being contended with. Okay I take you haven’t been working out for the last month because of all the engagements that come with life at this point but dude man you should be worried. I feel you are gon get our ass kicked at this rate so if I were you I would be dreading the next time you get to swim with that kid in the same race because it just may be your final downfall”
At this point I am feeling so forlorn am not even trying to put up a defense against this bombardment from my out of control thoughts. So I appealed to right thought “ dude you gotta do something fast”
“so lovely loyal true to myself right thought brought to mind distracting thoughts like this generation and the next generation.  I started to think of where I fall. If this kid upstaging me is of the next generation I guess I have finally reached this generation, I am of this generation and this generation is what’s up right now, which means it’s our time (Scratch that) MY time now. It’s now or never, no more waiting to get to that point where I can coz an impact; this is the time for me to do it. I am in the now of my time, ahead won’t matter if I don’t make use of now because as left thought already said Next generation is already lining up for its time which means I am running out of time! How huge this is! It not my father’s time anymore, it’s my time. I wonder how many people my age realize this. I am proud of that kid, he has gotten to the point where I started much earlier than I did because everyday life speeds up a little more, more fast paced than it was yesterday, every achievement is made a mile earlier than we did. Am not on the block anymore, I run the block, I have been running it since ’07 he won’t be so lucky his time at this pace. He would be lucky to last 2 years on the block. I am not mad at life for being this way, I am mad at me for being this way! For letting me forget who I am and what I stand for so I thought back to this morning, to clasping that kid’s hand and congratulating him without even contemplating or fully understanding what it was he had just told me, what it really meant. The end is not so far for me now (LOL that sounds ominous) but at the end is the beginning of something new, something worth my time but until then, he still has to contend with the unsurrendering will and unbreakable spirit that’s CG, some people were born to fight to the bitter end and if I am to go down, I go down with honor so no its not gon be TV I come home to, it’s gon be this and a quiet reflective time with myself that I  bask in because such is the soul that rejuvenates my spirit. It was good to have been alive today. Tomorrow is another day of Conrad awesomeness J