Saturday, 29 December 2012


It’s a long way home, I have lost myself. This is the part when you wish your life was fiction. it was going so well but then you have to go mess it up, you run into the very things you were running away from, the very reason you left home in the first place, you want to be the horrible bad who meets a very deserved bad guy’s ending but then you are the hero of your life, you are the good guy who doesn’t deserve the good guys good ending, you try to say it but they think its part of the plot of your life until in the end you come to accept it, you have fooled even yourself so in the end you don’t know who you are but deep down you know that’s not you, at the back of  your mind there is that pestering reminder that this is not home because actually your heart is not there that’s why you keep messing things up and you keep asking why things are always going so wrong by you, you are running from yourself the whole of your life and you don’t even know it, you want to turn back, but you wont, you simply…cant!
It requires too much so you choose to get, rather be stuck on a long lonely, bleak and unpredictable road, you meet strangers on the way but really your focus is ahead trying to figure the end of the road and your mind is behind trying to remember the way back so that when the stranger leaves and another one comes along, you hardly notice, you are trapped inside yourself and do not want to come out because its lonely and scary and you are afraid that if you do, you will freak out and may be feel worse. It rains, it shines, it blows and still you trudge on, it’s the only security you have, the monotonous trudge but there is something to the trudge, you smell the sweet yellow and blue flowers by the roadside laden with memories of the innocent times of utter careless joy and mischief , there is music in the wind, it not only keeps you with the times, sometimes one strikes you as pleasantly familiar, a shadow of a smile creeps on your face and things are not so bad after all. Being the good guy is better than the horrible guy when you are by yourself and there is no audience to spoil everything with their expectations that you gave them in the first place and that they want to remain stuck to regardless of the fact that you are on a trudge which progresses. They want to idolize you and yet you are going to leave them behind, they don’t understand the trudge state of mind, you did not ask for them and neither did the trudge, it just came to be that all things considered your trudge came at crossroads and its no longer about the trudge but which trudge, all the time on the trudge spent in trying to steel yourself against this very thing just cant make up for the reality of the decision at hand and these voices in your head that it is too late to turn back now, you close your eyes as if that might merge the two trudges so you can be on your way and then it hits you that it’s the first time in a long, long time that you are at a standstill and suddenly it feels so good just to take a simple break to catch your breath, the two trudges become a blessing and the shadow blossoms into a real smile, you haven’t made it but that’s not the point, you probably will never really make it, what if you don’t? it doesn’t really matter at all, what matters is that you have made it to this point and you realize that no one told you to smile, it just happened, you decide to make this point your home. Home is not where you choose to go, home is where you’ve realised you have reached and you’re happy there and regardless of where you’ve been, you are not afraid to go there, you did not push yourself, that voice in the background, that best friend guided you home without showing off because that’s what best friends do-look out for you, guide you home, even when you were too pre-occupied with being mad at yourself for being so yourself…                  

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